My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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