I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You may now shotgun with the bride
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
