wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
