This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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