Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
