I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
