There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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