I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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