I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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