I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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