he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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