i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
