I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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