16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
