After last night, I could never be a politician.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You pole danced in your parka.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
