positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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