Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
