You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
