last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
