I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
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