so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
