I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
