Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
