giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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