Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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