I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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