i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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