I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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