I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
