My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
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No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
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I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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