I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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