I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
