Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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