I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
