Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
