I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
