We're facebook friends in real life
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
