I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
