Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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