I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
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I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
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