I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
