My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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