I wanna passion pit in your ass
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
