Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My ass is underappreciated
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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