he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
