and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
