Where is the hickey?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
