Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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