he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
