Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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