Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
