ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
