he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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