my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
