i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
