So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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