im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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