never play flip cup with pint glasses
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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