I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
try to milk me bitch
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