My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
